Our Deepest Fear

There are certain things in life that nobody likes doing. For example, using public restrooms (especially at gas stations).  I can't name the fear I have felt since I was a small child, walking into those gas station bathrooms. How was I ever supposed to use the bathroom in a place where I was afraid to even touch the door to push it open? 

Then I grew up...and my fears became even worse than they had been when I was little. How much of a difference do those little "sanitary" seat covers really make? Was it possible to contract some sort of STD from a toilet seat? 

I guess you could say I was afraid. 

A couple months ago, I was on my way home from Oregon with some friends, and for the most part the ride was pretty ordinary, except for that the weather was bad so it made the traveling a little slow. The two girls in the back seat both have a hard time sitting still for long periods of time so they were busy sticking their bare feet out the window and seeing who could stand the ice cold wind and rain the longest.

I, on the other hand, was trying to keep our driver entertained so she wouldn't get too stressed out or tired after driving for such a long period of time. How did I accomplish this? I decided we should play 20 questions.  The rules of this game were simple. We each had 20 questions to ask to get to know the other person better, and no matter how bad we hated the questions we had to answer them honestly. 

Things went along pretty normally for about the first five or six questions. What's your favorite food...Do you have a crush on anybody right now...Where do you see yourself in five years...? Then the game took an unanticipated turn. She sat there thinking for a second about which question she wanted to ask, and then she asked me, "What's the most scared you have ever been?"

Sheesh. I don't know? I get scared watching previews on TV sometimes, does that count?  I probably mumbled out some half-hearted, awkward answer to her question, but it's stuck with me since that night.

What am I the most scared of? Sharks, bears, snakes, satan...the list could go on for quite a while I'm sure. And then it came to me as I was watching Coach Carter the other day. The thing I'm the most scared of is...potential. MY potential.

As humans we have a tendency to find the "happy medium" and settle down there. I remember once in health class Mrs. Paskins was asking questions that we HAD to answer yes or no to. She didn't allow fence-sitters. But isn't that what we all do?

"I could go exercise, but I think I'd rather stay here and eat another cookie." "I could study more for that test tomorrow, but i think I'd rather go to the hot tub instead." We are afraid to reach our highest potential, and since we aren't that close to hitting rock bottom we find a comfortable looking place on the fence and settle down. We don't like moving from that spot. Any movement in either direction and a stray sliver of wood could get lodged into our tender bums.

We like to be achievers, but only within our own comfort zone. But WHY do we do it? Because reaching our potential is hard. That's it. It takes effort, and sacrifice, and prioritizing...and sometimes in order to get there, we have to change things. 

There have been times in my life when people have asked me what I'm majoring in, and when I tell them I'm going to be a nurse the usual response is, "Why would you be a nurse? You're smart enough to be a physicians assistant or a doctor!" Don't get me wrong I'm not dissing on nurses. That would be silly considering I'm going to be one someday. But my usual response to these people is something along the lines of, "Are you nuts? That would be way too hard. Way too much school involved."

How many times do I do this in everyday life? "I could help that person who just dropped their stuff all over the floor, but then I'd have to get up from my seat and that's too hard." Are you kidding me?

I've come up with a new goal for myself. I want to reach my potential. I realize that doing that is going to take a lot of work, and a lot of things in my life are going to have to change, but I'm done being the one who will never accomplish anything great because I was too lazy or scared to pick my butt up off the fence. We only get one shot at this life. There are no ties in this game we call life. You either win, or you miss it completely. And in every great game I have ever seen, NOBODY has ever won by sitting it out. Your call.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”  - Marianne Williamson

So Long Sweet...Summer?

There is a song by Dashboard Confessional called, "So Long Sweet Summer"...or at least that's what I named it when iTunes couldn't identify the album I was importing. Basically it talks about this great summer that this guy had and how he is sad that it's leaving and he isn't ready to move on. He hates the winter in Lexington.

For some reason while I was watching the ball drop in Time Square on New Years Eve, this is what came to mind...well, that and the fact that NOBODY can pull off bright blue lipstick unless you are a smurf. I don't care if your name is Kesha and you have lots of money, it still looks dumb. Anyways, I'm pretty sure I have an ipod in my brain that randomly picks songs that fit the moments of everyday life, but this song was a puzzler.

Why? Because I wouldn't say that last summer was the highlight of my year. I mean, there were some good times, but I was pretty miserable 9 hours a day 5 days a week for almost 3 months thanks to my job as a representative in the complaint department at a security company. Not fun. But the more that I think about my brain's song choice on New Years Eve, the more it is starting to make sense. 

2010 really was a good year. It had more ups and downs than any other year of my life so far, but in the end I think the ups won the prize.  The song I thought of wasn't just for the summer, it was for the whole year! So, in honor of 2010- the lessons I learned, the people I met, the things I did, and the memories I made- this post is for them. A recap of a year that is now just a fond memory. 

2010...Good Times

Met a new friend and roommate (Erin Olander) after Christmas break ended ~ Played ward basketball-didn't learn how to control my temper in a church-sponsored activity ~ Drove to Ephraim, Utah to watch Abbie's Sophomore Night game at Snow College ~ Got my braces off 6 months after getting reconstructive surgery on my face ~ Playing speed with Erin almost every night before bed last semester ~ Ice blocking on the hills by Bartz Field and smashing a frosted cookie all over Shay ~ Walks/Runs on that trail by Ross park whose name I can't remember right now ~ Kelsey and Abbie visiting me in Pocatello and getting manicures from a Japanese man ~ Finished my 1st year at ISU ~ Declared my major as Nursing ~ Moved to American Fork with Becky ~ Karyoke at Chelsea's house ~ Seven Peaks with Becky and Staci ~ Learning how to do magic card tricks at APX ~ Ripped my favorite pair of Big Stars playing sand volleyball on my lunch break at work ~Hiking the Y with Becky ~ Rodeo, campout, and floating the river with Abbie and Texas ~ Floating the river with Abbie, Brooke, and Kelsey and then jeeping up Weston Canyon ~ California and Vegas trip with Becky, Brittany, and Chelsea ~ Boogie Boarding in the Ocean ~ Started Second year at ISU ~ Doing stupid human tricks every night in the living room with the roomies when we got bored ~ Breaking a window with a water balloon launcher ~ Rope Swinging in September ~ Learned how to play the guitar ~ Going to Oregon with Erin, Genniel, and Kimber and shooting guns, going boating, jeeping, 4-wheeling, and carving pumpkins ~ Steeling and smashing pumpkins ~ Dressing up and going to dinner, then driving around Pokey launching water balloons out of the back of Erin's truck in the pouring rain ~ Buying a trampoline for the apartment ~ Slip and Sliding in our apartment after they locked the hot tub ~ Going to the pool every day with Kimber before it got too cold ~ Oregon for Kimber's birthday ~ Smoothies ~ Getting attacked by one of the roommates at random times and always letting them beat me up because I'm too nice to fight back ~ Water fights in the apartment ~ Blowing fire off the balcony with matches and powdered sugar and almost setting the bushes on fire ~ Proving to my dad that I'm a better shot than he is with a .22~ Leg wrestling~ Late night talks and heart-to-hearts ~ Scaring Erin half to death on Halloween while watching Swimfan ~ Learning how to long board ~ Going to the park with Kimber and swinging on the swings ~ Kidnapping Kelsey on her birthday and making her eat dinner in a tent for her birthday ~ Going to dinner with Shannon, Devyn, Aubrey, Lori, and Mandi ~ Spending the Holidays with my family and laughing so hard my sides hurt

This is a long list. And I really don't expect anybody to take the time to actually read the whole thing...it's really mostly for my own benefit. I could have made this list 5 times longer than it is right now, because I have so many great memories from 2010! Thanks to everyone who helped make this year so great. 

So, in the words of Dashboard Confessional, "So long sweet summer ( aka 2010)...Thanks for that summer, I gave you the best that I had...I stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays." So goodbye 2010! Thanks for making me the person that I am today...

 Oh...and don't feel left out 2011, I have a feeling you're going to be even better:)

Resolutions for the New Year...

Everybody's favorite part of the new year is making New Year's Resolutions, so even though it's not New Year's Day anymore, I guess I'll make a couple goals for the new year...but first I wanted to see how I did on last years resolutions. What's the point of making goals if you don't ever pay attention to whether you reached them or not?

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS 2010

1. Change somebody's life for the better.
   
     ~ Did I change somebody's life this year? In all honesty, I have no idea. I know there have been many people that have changed my life, and I hope with all my heart that somewhere along the way this past year I was able to do the same for them. I can never really know for sure if I was able to accomplish this resolution, but I can still hope that I did.

2. Get to know myself better and be true to who I really am...no more going with the flow.

     -I'm happy to say that I have made definite progress on this. Not that I was ever really into following the crowd, but I will admit that sometimes it was just easier. But I can honestly say that I am more comfortable with myself right now than I have ever been before. CHECK!

3. Do one act of service for somebody every day

     ~Sadly this did not happen, or at least I don't think it did. I'm sure I did things for people, but not the type of things that I had in mind. The one thing I can remember doing that I really counted as an act of service was pushing a little handicapped girl to her class in her wheelchair, and that was more of a service to me than it was to her. So it looks like I'll be working on this one for another year...

4. Learn how to budget my money 

     ~Going to college last year made me realize a few things...among them was the fact that I am not very good at budgeting my money. If I have a choice between eating healthy, balanced meals for the week or doing one fun thing, I choose the fun thing. This results in me eating more than my fair share of cold cereal and taking dietary supplements so I can have a high enough iron and protein level to donate plasma twice a week. I guess I'm a little better at budgeting my money, even though I hate doing it, so I'm checking this one off. CHECK!

5. Keep up with my old friends and make at least one new GOOD friend 

     -I won't lie, I was WAY better at keeping up with my old friends last year than I am this year. In almost all of my relationships, I am the reacher. This means that I am the one who puts in all or most of the effort. For example, calls, texts, hang outs...all instigated by myself. In fact, sometimes I think if I wasn't willing to be calling and texting some of my friends all the time, I would probably never hear from them ever again. I'm not saying it's like this with all of my friends, because some of them are actually really good at keeping in touch with me, but that's how it is with a lot of them.  So this year I got sick of being the reacher and gave up for the most part. The good news though is that I am still close with my best friends from high school, and I have made more than one friend that I can honestly say I think I'll be friends with for the rest of my life. So, CHECK!

6. Be more confident in my ability to do well 

     ~ Tell me I can't do something and sit back and watch me prove you wrong...even if I almost kill myself doing it. I am 100% confident that I can prove anybody wrong, and surpass anybody's expectations including my own. CHECK!

7. Notice at least one good thing about myself every morning when I look in the mirror BEFORE I start picking out the bad things.

     ~I have no idea if I did this. I'm definitely more self confident this year than I was last year at this same time, but I'm usually pretty out of it in the mornings. The only things that ever go through my mind when I'm looking in the mirror anymore are how hungry I am and how I wish I could sleep longer instead of waking up so darn early for 8 am classes. And I'm pretty sure I never really think anything bad about myself when I'm looking in the mirror either. So I'm checking this one off. CHECK!

8. Build up my strengths and minimize my weaknesses

     ~I'm pretty sure I had a certain weakness in mind last year when I was writing these, and I have that under control now. So CHECK!

9. Name one thing I'm thankful for every time I'm thinking about complaining

     ~This didn't happen. Sometimes I just want to vent and complain and not think about being thankful for things. And then I'm good for awhile. But I don't complain as much as I used to so that's a plus.

10. Be more selfless.

     ~This is another one of those tentative ones. I'm pretty sure I'm more selfless than I used to be, but I still have such a long way to go on this that I'm not going to check it off. You get another year of work Mr. Selflessness. 

Now for my 2011...

1. Change somebody's life for the better

  ~You'll notice this is the same as my number 1 last year, but it's the most important to me and since I'm not sure if I was able to accomplish it last year, I'm giving it another year. 

2. Make somebody's day every day. 

3. Be more selfless.

4. Get straight A's in school. 

5. Run for 1 hour straight.
   ~This might sound pathetic to some people, but I have never been able to run for a whole hour before. Actually I've never tried but I've always wanted to do it. So this is the year that I will reach that goal!

6. Write in my journal at least twice a week.

7. Learn something new every day.

8. Read the Book of Mormon all the way through. 

9. Do at least one thing on my bucket list. 

10. Make at least 3 small goals every month and accomplish them. 

Here goes nothing! Happy New Year:)

Tis The Season..

I know this is going to sound cliche, but Christmas is definitely my favorite time of year. At this very moment I'm sitting in the living room next to the Christmas tree (which actually looks good for once unlike the Charlie Brown tree we had last year) and soaking up the delicious smells that only real Christmas trees can make. My mom is in the kitchen cooking gingerbread men and cussing them because their arms or legs or heads keep falling off and I'm the lucky one who gets to eat the ones that look more like sumo wrestlers or lumpy snowballs. 

So here I sit. Eating deformed gingerbread cookies while Becky is doing Tae Bo and trying to make me feel guilty because I chose to eat cookies instead of workout. I still think I chose the better way. But as I'm sitting here I can't help but think of my favorite Christmas memories.

Before I left Pocatello for my LONG holiday break my visiting teachers came and gave my roommate and I a Christmas lesson. When they were done they asked us if we had any favorite Christmas stories we wanted to share. My mom tells us the story of the Buttercup Christmas every Christmas Eve so I decided I would tell that story. But when I started to tell it I realized I don't have a clue how it goes! All I know is that there is a cow named Buttercup in it and two little boys. And that it's a true story from someone that used to live in Dayton when my mom was a little girl. 

So obviously I'm bad at paying attention, because I should really be able to tell that story by now, but my favorite stories aren't the ones that other people tell. My favorite stories are the ones from my own life. I remember one year my parents had NO money because my sister Emmalee was getting a major surgery two days after Christmas and it was going to cost a lot of money. My mom had already told me that there wouldn't be much money for any Christmas presents, and sadly I have to admit that I had a bad attitude about it. 

On Christmas morning I slept in longer than I ever had on Christmas, because if there weren't going to be any presents I wasn't going to get excited about anything. Then my sisters came and woke me up and we went down stairs and there were PRESENTS there! I was so surprised because my mom had specifically told me there wouldn't be any money for that sort of thing this year. But without really thinking twice about it I opened my presents and thanked my parents.

Later that day though, I got the best present of all. I was helping my mom with dinner and I mentioned something about how surprised I had been to see all of the presents that morning. She then got a serious look on her face and told me that she hadn't bought the presents. My sister had felt guilty that we weren't going to have any Christmas presents because of her surgery, so she had bought most of my presents. She didn't want me to know, but she taught me an important lesson that year.

We've never had a lot of money to spend on presents in my family. In fact most of my friends usually end up with at least one present out of the many they received that year that costs more than all of my presents combined. But that year I learned that presents aren't what matter on Christmas. The important thing is that I get to be with people that love me on the most special day of the year.  Emmalee didn't just give me presents that year, she gave me the gift of love-and you can't put a price on that.

One of my favorite Christmas stories is How the Grinch Stole Christmas by Dr. Seuss. After the Grinch has stolen all of the Whos presents and happy little Christmas things and is about to throw them off a cliff, he hears the Whos singing! The nerve of the Whos to sing when they don't have any presents!

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more."

Christmas isn't about what we get. Christmas is about what we give. It's about the love that we share and the acts of service that are selflessly given. It's about the spirit that comes to all of us when for one day out of the year we spend more time thinking about others than ourselves. It's about the memories we make.  And the best presents I've ever received didn't come from a store. So Merry Christmas to everyone, and may we all remember what the Grinch learned on that Christmas morning in Whoville. "What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, MEANS A LITTLE BIT MORE." MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Back To Blogging...

So obviously I slacked on my 30 day blog challenge. Writing a blog ended up causing me way more drama than I had ever anticipated. There are some things I expected from writing a blog. Gratitude from those people who have been wondering what has been happening in my life and finally have a way of knowing? Yes. Admiration for my ability to write and express myself? Yes (and I realize that sounds a little shallow...but what everyone else needs to realize is I already know that. I like to call it sarcasm.) But did I ever expect drama over the things or the people that I do or don't talk about in my blog? No. I can't say I ever saw that one coming.

Well, after the first few weeks of blogging I decided it was causing me more stress than enjoyment and gave it up, but now I'm really just to the point that I don't care anymore. I started to notice that some people actually did care what I was doing, and they actually noticed when I stopped blogging. I have one friend who I guess you could say I've fallen out of touch with. Don't get me wrong I still love the girl to death but over the past couple years we haven't been very good at communicating. Anyways, the girl actually called me to make sure I was ok because she got worried when I hadn't blogged in a week!

I realize it sounds stupid, but that's what I needed to hear. I know there aren't a lot of people who read my blog, and I really don't care about that. What I do care about, is that there was somebody reading my blog who cared more about me than about what I was writing in it.

My brother started writing a blog a few weeks ago, and at the end of his first post he apologized to his family because "we don't really know him." That reminded me of the reason I started writing in the first place. There aren't a lot of people that I would say REALLY know me. Sure, there are lots of people who think they do, but the sad truth is I've become a way better actor over the years then you'd think.

Some people would say I'm conceited, because heaven forbid I like to talk about myself. But to be honest, most of the things I say that sound conceited are said by a girl who is just trying to convince herself that maybe some of those things are true.

Some people would tell you I'm over-the-top competitive, and I'll admit that I do like to compete, but what they don't know is that the reason I'm always pushing myself so hard is because if I push hard enough sometimes the physical pain it causes me is enough to take my mind off of the pain and the guilt I'm already feeling. Guilt over things I've done, guilt over the things I wasn't brave enough to do.

Anyways, you're probably wondering where I'm going with this, and I swear it does have a point. The point is that I wanted to thank those people who have taken the time and the effort to get to know me. I realize that sometimes the reason people don't get to know me is because I don't let them in, but most of the time the reason people don't know me is because they don't try very hard.

So thanks to those people who have made it a priority to get to know me. Thanks to the people who call, text, or talk to me because they are honestly interested in how I am and what I'm doing. Thanks to those people who will instigate a conversation, instead of waiting for me to do it all the time. Thanks to the people who notice when I'm down and who care enough to ask why. Christmas is the season of giving, and those people have given me more than I ever even wished for.

Blog Challenge Day 13

Day 13- A Letter To Someone Who Has Hurt You Recently

This isn't really easy for me to do, because I really don't get "hurt." I can get really annoyed sometimes, but as far as getting offended and holding grudges, that's really not me. So here goes my best try on this letter thing...

To the people who enjoy raining on my parade: I'm well aware that 90% of the things I talk about doing are not humanly possible. I also realize that most things that happen in movies and on TV shows, wouldn't really happen in real life. But is it wrong that I still enjoy watching a movie where everyone is happy and life goes right all of the time? Or that I like imagining how cool life could be if I could really pull off all of that stuff I think about doing? No. It's not wrong. It's not hurting any of you. So please, for your own sake, stop raining on my parade before I snap. Cuz that ain't pretty. 

To the people who have used me: Congratulations. You have successfully managed to fool me into trusting you. I'll admit that in the past I would easily trust people. I guess I just have a habit of believing in the best in people. But you were especially good. You we able to lure me into your little trap, and trick me into confiding in you and sharing times with you that I thought would end up being a special memory. And in the end all I was left with was emptiness. Time wasted with someone that I thought was special. Someone who I thought could be trusted. But it turns out that the trick is on you, because I don't trust people that easily anymore. And when it comes to you, you lost your chance. Sure I can forgive you, and to be honest I already have. But just because I've forgiven you, doesn't mean I will ever have to trust you again. 

To the people who have built themselves up by tearing me down: I bet you think you're pretty special. You managed to make yourself feel good by walking over me. You got the best of me and then left me there to deal with the what I was left with. Well, once again, the joke is on you. You may think that by walking over me you were getting yourself somewhere, but the truth is, every time you've tried to tear me down, all you've succeeded in doing is making me stronger. 

And last but definitely not least...

To the people who have pretended to be my friend:  You may think that because I'm only 20-that because I'm not as old as you or don't have as much "life experience" as you do that I don't know what a friend is. You may think that I don't notice the way you use me when it is most convenient for you, because I smile and agree with you and do whatever you ask me to do. You may think that I think you are a good friend. But the truth is, I notice it all. I notice when you use me. I notice when you talk about me behind my back but still act like you're the world's best friend to my face. I notice when you pick up your phone and look through your contacts, wishing you were spending time with somebody else. I notice when the only time you ever want to hang out, is when you can't find something better to do.

In all honesty, the prize goes to you, because out of everybody you're the one who has hurt me the most. You are the one I really cared about, and for awhile, I honestly believed that you cared too.  But I've got news for you. There are people that have taught me what a real friend is supposed to be. I've got people who honestly care about me, the things I do, and are more worried about my well being than they are about their own agenda. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasted so much time trying to turn you into the friend I hoped you would be. I'm sorry I spent so much time doing things for you even when I knew the only reason you asked is because you knew I was the only one who would do it. I'm sorry I let you use me and gave you so much trust. And I'm sorry I can't be there for you anymore. Because being your friend has been a mistake. I guess it's true though, you can't change people...and thank heavens for that, because I would have been devastated if you would've succeeded in your plot to change me.

Blog Challenge Day 12

Day 12- How You Found Out About Blogs and Why You Made One

I'm pretty sure I found out about blogs the same way everybody else does. I have a few friends and family members that have blogs and after reading theirs for awhile, I decided I would get one too.

I got a blog because I really like to write. I've always enjoyed writing-well, at least when I was writing about a topic of my choice (I can't say I ever liked being forced to write papers in English)-and I've also always enjoyed talking about myself, so this just seemed like a win-win situation for me.

Also, I used to be really good at calling people. I would call or text people at LEAST once a week and I would get all caught up on their lives and they would get caught up on mine, but this year I've really starting slacking on that. Keeping in touch with everyone I need to has become much more difficult than it used to be, so I made this blog so that if they wanted to know what I was doing, they could find out.